Edge Part 106: The Love Letter

I was always tired. I woke up past noon everyday and, without having left the bedroom, I would be worn out again before the sun set. Sometimes I woke in the middle of the night, cold and sweating from dreams I couldn't quite remember. It was always the same until I lost track of time, each day gone in a heartbeat and yet draging on forever. I think it must have been a couple months, but I couldn't be sure.
     I sat up in bed for the first time that day, but I had no idea what time it was; the sun was up, some clouds skewing it, and that was all I knew. I winced against the light as I looked out on the summer-time field. Everything was still bright and green, but they had stopped being beautiful to me. Almost everything had.
     I heard a quiet annoyance outside of the closed door; a lulling noise and a scratching. I knew what it was. Even though Nina had taken Anni to live with her, when she and Sterling came over, she brought the cat with her. And everytime she did, Anni would come upstairs and sit at Rafael's door. She would whine and paw at it endlessly unless someone came and got her. Like clockwork, I heard someone coming up the stairs. It was probably Nina... Nina hadn't talked to me at all. She probably never wanted to talk to me again after what happened. But, then again, I hadn't seen her much. It had been weeks and I had hardly come out of my room.
     The bedroom door creeked open, and I felt my heart jump, but it was only Elliot. He came in slow and smiling weakly as if any other aproach would startle me.
     "I'm glad you're awake," he said softly as he sat on the bed beside me.
     "Mhmm," I mumbled as I ran my hand over my face. "What time is it?"
     "Around... Three, I think." I was sleeping in later and later. "Nina and Sterling are here."
     "They're always here," I sighed.
     "They love playing with Jude," he laughed lightly. "He really is a sweet baby... You should come down, too."
     "I'm too tired," I mumbled.
     It wasn't a lie. Even though I had just gotten up and couldn't sleep any longer, my muscils still felt weak. My whole body did. Elliot was quiet and I heard him picking at his nails. He had something he wanted to say on his mind, and I wished he would just speak up.
     "You're missing out on a lot, " Elliot's voice quieted. "I mean, hes running all around the house and he talks, too."
     "When did you start calling him Jude?"
     "Just happened, I guess." Elliot smiled. "I just... Really wish you would come play with him sometime. He's so beautiful, Abel, and its impossible to be sad around him."
     "I want to, I'm just-"
     "I know. You're tired...Its because you aren't eating nearly enough. When was the last time you ate?" I just shrugged. I really couldn't remember. I was never hungry anymore. "You're losing weight, Abel. I don't like it."
     "Sorry," I mumbled half-heartedly.
     "You need to get out of this room more. Not moving is making you tired, too." He sighed and got up, bending down in front of me to look me in the eyes. "I was talking to Nina and Sterling today, and they say they would love it if you came over to their house tonight."
     "For what?" I managed not to groan, but I wasn't planning on going to their house.
     "Anything! Just to talk, or watch a movie... Maybe having some dinner with them will get your strength up. You'll have enough energy to come home and hold Jude." He smiled hopefully up at me. I think he sensed that I was going to turn him down because he took my hand in his. "Please. You don't have to stay... Just seeing you out of bed would mean so much to me."
     I knew I didn't want to get out of bed, but with Elliot begging me, how could I say no? I felt afraid for some reason. It was almost as if, when I walked out of my room, I would be going to see strangers instead of my family.
      "Alright," I sighed as my eyes flashed down to Elliot's hand clasping mine. "I'll get up... Dress... I guess go see Sterling and Nina."
     A smile drifted across his face, and I think for a second, I heard his heart leap. He got up and took my face in his palms. He tilted my head up to him and kissed my forehead. After a slight hesitation, he slolwy kissed my lips.
     "Thank you," he breathed, relieved.
     I heard Judas laugh from down stairs. As if he were drawn to the sound, Elliot smiled at me one last time before he left. I groaned and ran my hands roughly through my hair. I figured I shouldn't prolong me inevidably getting showered and dressed any longer, so I got up and went to the dresser in one motion. I must have moved too quickly. My weak leg quivered and I wound up falling against the dresser, my chest thudding hard into it.
     Even if no one heard my pitiful struggle, I felt a hot flush of embarassment run through me. I ripped open the nearest drawr and grabbed any shirt and pants I seen without thinking. My mind was still on my fall as I went down the hall to the bathroom. It was just another reminder of one of the many reasons I hadn't been around the house much. It hadn't bothered me the first few days- as if I thought it would just get better- but my leg really was messed up. As the days went on, I had become increasingly paranoid that my limp was more noticable than I thought it was.
     I unfolded the clothes in my arms and laid them across the sink; a pair of black jeans I knew were mine and a yellow shirt that actually belonged to Elliot. I took my time as I got in the shower, trying to shake my fatigue and dizziness. In all honesty, I was dreading going to see Sterling and Nina. Thinking about it made me feel like there was a rock sitting in the pit of my stomach. When I couldn't sit under the hot water any more, I got out and dressed, maybe slower than I ever had.
      When I came out of the bathroom and went to the stairs, I hadn't concidered how much just going down into the living room would stress me. I went down a few steps, feeling the uneveness in my walk. After a few stairs, I noticed that I was being watched.
     Dante sat on the couch, vigilant as Elliot, Judas, and Addie played on the floor with paper and crayons. Elliot looked up at me and watched me come down. Judas was dressed in mini-sized denim overalls with a striped tee shirt underneath. He tugged payfully at Elliot's shirt and smiled. After a second, Dante looked up at me too. I hoped that they thought I was only walking slow because I was tired. Either way, by the time I got to the bottom of the stairs, I could feel my heat beating.
     "Its very nice to see you up," Dante told me as I walked awkwardly towards everyone.
     I mumbled and nodded in agreement, fidgiting as if my clothes were too tight despite the fact that they were looser on me than they had ever been. I really did need to eat.
     I swallowed and coughed in a nervous way as I looked at Judas. As if he knew my eyes were on him, he turned away from Elliot and stared at me. When he did that, it was like everything else stopped; everyone was watching he and I. I guess they were waiting for something to happen.
     Judas took a few steps towards me, and Elliot bit his lips anxiously. Judas came no closer and, as he stood staring. His presence and lack of emotion when he looked at me unerved me. Everything about him upset me. Every single thing.
     I looked at his ice- blue eyes, and I seen my father staring back at me, and I thought about everything I had went through with him. When I seen his round face and curls of hair, I thought of Angel and how she had died- how I played a hand in her death. Sometimes, when I would think of her, I could still smell blood.
     Aside from the negative people I thought of when Judas looked at me, I thought of my mother and Rafael; I thought of how my mother would never get to meet the grandchild I knew she always wanted. And Rafael... He was gone because of what we went through to get Judas. He was never comming back...
     "Abel, are you alright?" Elliot asked gently.
     My eyes finally ticked away from Judas and to Elliot. I could feel my knees shaking, and I hadn't noticed my breathing become heavy. I clenched my hands and they felt cold and clammy.
     "I'm going to... Go now, I guess," I said, sounding lost and tired.
     "Alright... Don't forget to eat something," Elliot said. "I'm probably going to take Jude outside to play later... Maybe you'll come, too."
     I knew he must have been upset that I was leaving so soon. He was probably hoping somewhere deep inside that I would get up, come down stairs, and sit and play with he and Judas. I didn't see that happening anytime soon.
     I slipped my shoes on by the door, smart enough to lean against the wall when I had to balance on my weak leg. When I stepped outside into the world, it almost felt unreal. I hadn't been out of the house in a long time. The warm wind blew over my clammy skin as I steped awkwardly down the stairs. Even the feeling of the grass crunching under my shoes felt alien.
     I thought that I would be uncomforatable as I walked towards Sterling's house, but after being around Judas, leaving home was almost a relief. Such a relief, in fact, that I was actually getting calmer the closer I got to Sterling's.
     I walked up the steps of his house and, with my mind still in somewhat of a fog, I knocked on the door without hesitation. I waited for only a moment before someone answered. As soon as he seen me standing in front of him, Sterling's face lit up.
     "Abel! I'm so happy to see you here!" he said as he opened the door all the way, genuine excitement saturating his voice. "I turely didn't expect you to come. Come in, come in, please."
     I nodded and managed a half smile as I stepped inside. I had only ever been in Sterling's house a handful of times. It had the same architecture as our own house; a wide open living room, the stairway, and the kitchen and dinning room hidden off to one side. The inside was set up completely different than our own.
     The furthest wall around the windows was painted a dark maroon color with hanging plants all around. The rest of the house, from what I could see, was a light-hearted yellow color that seemed to reflect off the wooden floors and make the house even brighter.
     To the left side of the livingroom, instead of having a blank wall like our house did, there was an wooden bar with several stools in front of it. I knew that Sterling drank. He invited Dante over for drinks all of the time, but Dante never would. From what I had experience, Sterling never drank in excess. In fact, I had never seen Sterling drunk despite his stocked bar.
     Past the bar against the windows was a long, tan-leather couch that wrapped around the wall slightly. There was a massive decorative black carpet covered in moons and stars in the living room that didn't seem to match anything else in the house. There was no TV in the living room, but I knew that Sterling must have had one somewhere upstairs. He was always talking about shows he was watching and old movies that he loved, so there must have been.
     "Abel, please come sit," Sterling said, taking my hand and leading me over to the bar.
     I was used to him wearing full suits, but he was only wearing a white dress shirt tucked into black pants and, of course, shined black shoes.
      I sat at one of the stools at the bar and Sterling went behind it, unable to keep from smiling.
     "Its nice to see you," I said quietly, still trying to hold a smile.
     "Well, its absolutely wonderful to see you, my friend. Are you feeling any better? I've been over to visit every day since your return from Edge, but it seemed you were lying down every time." He smiled and leaned over the bar towards me eagerly.
     "I'm... having a hard time," I said, trying my best to keep up with his casual tone and failing miserably.
     "A hard time?" He didn't seeem to understand what I meant.
     "With Raff being gone," my voice cracked. Using Rafael's name made my lips feel numb. "And with having the baby around."
     "Oh, I understand." His smile faded slightly. "Rafael's death was such a shame..."
     "A shame..."
     "Yes, it truely was. He was so intelingent and showed so much promise. His loss is truely a tragedy." Sterling seemed to sympathise with my pain silently for a minute before his smile returned. "Would you like something to eat, Abel? I'm acctually a very good cook, to tell you the truth. I watch this woman on television. Her name is Paula. She's a little unerving to look at, but she makes the most apatising meals."
     "I already ate," I lied.
     I had all the intention of eating that day, but with Rafael on my mind, my stomach was turning. Even if I ate, I don't think I could have kept any food down.
     "Thats unfortunate," Sterling said. "Would you perhaps like a drink with me?" He reached under the bar and pulled out a glass.
     "Yeah, sure. A drink."
     I leaned my elbows on the bar and ran my fingers through me hair. I didn't usually drink. In fact, I couldn't remember the last time I had a drink. I felt like I deserved one.
     "What do you prefer?" Stering asked.
     "Anything."
     I shrugged and Sterling poured me a glass of scotch and ginger ale. He slid it over to me and made himself a glass of the same thing.
     "Nina, we have company!" Sterling said as he looked past me.
     I couldn't hear Nina behind me with how gentle her footing always was, but I felt a hot shudder run through me as I thought of her. She must have hated me... She must  have hated to me so much. It was all my fault Rafael was gone. If she was looking for anyone to blame, it would be me. I brought my drink shakily to my lips and drank as much as I could in one gulp, and Sterling refilled my glass. As soon as my glass hit the surface of the bar again, I felt arms drape around my shoulders. My body went stiff.
     "Abel, I've missed you so much," Nina said quietly.
     "Have a drink with us, won't you, Nina?" Sterling half-pleaded.
     "No, Sterling," she laughed lightly as she sat on the stool beside me at the bar. She was wearing brown shorts and a baggy pink shirt I knew for sure was Rafael's.
     "You always used to drink with me," he pouted.
     "I'm cutting back."
     "I'm making steak for Dinner," Sterling told her. "With rice and salad and... Well, what else would you like?"
     They talked back and forth about what Sterling was going to be cooking, but I couldn't concentrate on what they were saying. I just kept drinking, knowing that soon the attention would be on me again.
     "You seem tense," Sterling said suddenly.
     Without asking he poured me another drink. I think it was already my third glass, but I took it without question.
     "I should start dinner," Sterling said as if he already had food in the oven and it was burning.
     He hurried excitedly into the kitchen and I let my eyes follow him until I couldn't see him anymore. I didn't realize until I turned my head that I felt dizzy. Sterling's drinks weren't exactly weak, and on top of that, my stomach was completely empty. I was a light weight on a good day, and I think  was pushing myself over the top.
     "Sterling's kinda' weird, isn't he?" I mumbled out loud.
     I didn't realize I probably shouldn't have said that until it was too late. Nina laughed quietly anyway.
     "Weirder than you know."
     Nina leaned foward and rested her elbows on the bar. She stared off towards the kitchen and, as if she expected it, music started playing. It was quick a quick, lively tune and in a second I realized it was some kind of mexican stuff.
     "Sterling speaks spanish?" I asked as I glanced over to Nina.
     "Not a single word of it. But he'll still sing along... Doesn't have a clue what he's saying."
     I couldn't help laughing with Nina, but as soon as I did, I felt a ripping at my heart. It felt wrong to laugh. I almost felt sick over it.
     "Abel," Nina called my attention. I winced as if my own name had floated over and smacked me in the face, but I turned to her. "You don't have to feel guilty for being happy." She took one of my hands in hers and squeezed it.
     "Things just aren't the same anymore," I murmured, all of my depression returning in a single wave.
     "Because Raff is gone?" she asked. I nodded. "I know, Abel. I miss him too... so much..." her eyes wandered for a second before they came back up to mine. "But he wouldn't have wanted us to be sad. All he ever wanted was to make this family happy... If he knew you had been lying in bed all this time, what do you think  he would say?"
     "He'd be pissed. And tell me I was being stupid."
     "Damn right he would." Nina smiled and stood, still holding my hand. "Come with me. I really want to talk to you, Abel. Just you and me."
     "Alright..." I agreed reluctantly.
     As I stood, my head swam; a combination of not having eating in longer than I could remember and having too much to drink too quickly. Nina guided me towards the stairs by the ends of my fingers. I almost forgot how hard stairs had become for me and I dumbly steped up without thinking. I would have fallen over if Nina hadn't caught me. I don't think she noticed my leg. She probably just blamed it on me being drunk.
     Nina helped me all the way up the stairs and into the room that, if I were home, would have belonged to me and Elliot. There was a bed pressed sideways in front of the windows, the red sheets unmade. Beside the bed was a wooden chair and, beside the door, a dresser made of the same dark material. The surface was strewn with the sun-bleached skulls of animals. The walls were the same yellow as the rest of the house, but were covered in taped up pictures of animals and random object like bird feathers and leaves.
     "Sit," Nina told me cheerily as she led me over to the bed.
     I pushed the blankets aside as if I were making myself a nest and sat down. The sheets smelled like forest; a fresh, clean pine smell mixed in with Nina's own scent.
     Nina moved to sit in the chair beside the bed, picking up a handful of whithered flowers that sat there. She held the dried bouquet in her hands, staring dreamily down at them. She stroked one of the flowers that still had a slight red color to them, and some of the petals flaked slowly into her lap.
     "Rafael gave these to me," she said. "He loved flowers... Did you know that?"
     "No," I mumbled weakly.
     Nina sighed and put the flowers on the floor beside her. She looked down at her shirt and tugged at the loose fabric.
     "This is his shirt," she laughed. "I go in Raff's room and get one of his shirts every week... That's about how long I can wear one before his scent is worn out of it. At some point I'm going to run out of shirts." She laughed weakly again, and looked up to me with a forced smile.
     "I miss him too," I said, my drunkeness making my head bob when I tried to nod.
     "I know you do, Abel. Raff loved you a lot."
     I felt my chest tighten when she said that. I knew that it must have shown on my face. Nina reached up and scratched my hair to cheer me up, but her touch only upset me further. I had to look away from her eyes just so I could get a breath in.
     "You know I love you too, right, Abel?" Nina whispered. I gave a slight nod. "When I look at you, I can see how much pain you're in... It hurts me. Here I am learning how to be happy again without Raff, and here you are. Not even able to hear his name without crying." I was crying. I hadn't noticed. "Why is that?"
     "I'm not as strong as you," I said, my head sinking down even further than it already was.
     "No. Its something else." Nina took my chin gently and tilted my face up. I tried to focus my eyes on hers, but my vision was too blured. "You were with Raff when he died, weren't you?"
     "Yeah," my voice squeeked.
     "Will you tell me what happened? You haven't told anyone... No one knows anything," she said sadly.
     "I can't talk about it," was all I would say.
     "Please, Abel? It would mean a lot to me..." She waited, her eyes pleading with me, but I didn't answer.
      She sighed and stood up, wandering around the room for a minute. She didn't seem upset. Just subdued. I knew she wanted answers, but I didn't know if I could give them to her. She finally sat back down in front of me, taking both of my hand in hers and resting them in my lap. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath.
     "If you tell me about how Raff died, I'll tell you a secret," she whispered, a smile spreading over her face as her eyes opened.
     "A secret?" I questioned, more to myself than her.
     "Yeah. Who doesn't like secrets?"
     "About what?"
     "Something no one else knows about Raff but me," she lured me in.
     "How do you know I don't know?" I said skeptically.
     "Trust me. You don't know." She laughed a little to herself. "So, what do you say? You tell me something no one knows, and I'll tell you something no one knows. That sounds fair, doesn't it?"
     I weighed the equation for a second, my enebriated mind taking longer than normal. It did seem fair, but then again, I had no idea what the 'secret' Nina talked about was. Telling her abour Rafael's death was going to be hard on me. There was no telling if what she had to say would be worth it.
     "Alright," I finally agreed after a few tense minutes of thinking. "What do you want to know?"
     Nina looked directly into my eyes- deep into them- and didn't move. I felt her grip on my hands tighten before they loosened again.
    "Anything you can, Abel."
    "Raff and me fought Lazarus," I started simply, just trying to replay everything through my head, "... and when it was finally over, Raff came and he sat in front of me. And we were so happy that everything was done, we just laughed. But then I seen how bad he was hurt." I chocked for a second and Nina urged me on by grpping my hands. "... And I went to get Dante to help him, but my leg-"
     I twitched my hands away from Nina as I remembered the pain in my leg. It was lie I was feeling it all over again, despite the fact that I knew that wasn't possible. I ran my hand over my leg and Nina looked, making my eyes fall on the floor.
     "I couldn't get up, and Raff was begging me to stay," I said shakily as the thought of blood made me remember the smell of it. Tears started to run down my face and the shaking in my voice spread to my body. "And Raff... He told me it would be alright, and he hugged me, but he was so cold. Then he laid down on the fountain, and he told me how much he loved all of us... And his hands had so much blood on them, but I held them anyways..."
     I think I must have stopped talking completely then as my mind started to fog over. I brought my hands up and ran them through my hair, trying to shake the memory of blood; Rafael's blood running over my arms and oozing into the spaces between my fingers.
     "Did Raff... Die after that?" Nina asked me, her voice quiet and breaking.
     I looked up and noticed her hand was on my leg, but I couldn't feel her touch. I tried to look at her eyes, but my voision was blured with tears and the effects of everything I had been drinking. I didn't even realize how drunk I was.
    "He said he loved me, and I didn't say it back," I cried as I hid my face in my hands out of shame. "I said it, but it was too late..."
     That's what truely kept me awake at night: the last thing Rafael had said. He had told me that he loved me, but when I finally said it back, he was already gone.
     I heard Nina stand. I felt her arms around me a second later. I tried to quiet my crying until I was nearly silent. I could hear Nina's quick heart beat and nervous breathing, but I didn't know if she was crying.
     "Its all my fault, Nina" I mumbled into her shoulder. "You should hate me so much! You begged me not to take Raff back to Edge and I did anyway! And now he's gone."
    "You want to know the truth, Abel?" Nina asked me, still in her below-whisper. "Raff... He never really left Edge."
    "I... I don't understand."
    I leaned away from Nina to look at her. There were no tear tracks on her cheeks, but her eyes were red and blured. They were so full of water that, for a second, I thought I seen myself reflecting back in them.
     "Raff was really sick, Abel," she told me softly. "Every night we spent together, if I wasn't holding him tight enough while he was sleeping, he would wake up crying or screaming or just scared out of his mind. He hid it from everyone the best he could, but he never stoped thinking about Edge... I think I always knew he would go back. Please don't blame yourself, Abel. I let him go, too.
     "When all of you were getting ready to leave, I ran out and tried to get Raff to stay again... I knew that if I let him leave me, he would never come back. But you know what? When he held me that last time, I felt this warmth inside, and I knew everything would be alright. Raff isn't gone, Abel. He's still here. As long as you still love him, he always will be."
     Nina touched my cheek and noded and, finally, a tear that was clinging to the edge of her long lashes slid down her face. I hadn't noticed how quiet I had gotten until she stopped talking. She walked around and sat on the bed beside me. I managed to even my breathing, but I still felt my shoulders quivering.
     "Nina, I- I think I want to give you something," I said slolwy as I glanced beside me.
     "And what's that?" she managed a small laugh and smile.
     Even after I said it, I still wasn't sure I wanted to do it. I half reached into my pocket and paused. But I shoved my hand all the way in and felt around until my fingers grazed over the cold ring that was there. I held it in my too-tight grip as I fished it out.
     Nina looked at me in an almost concerned way. I took her hand and opened her palm, letting Rafael's earring slide from my hand to her small one. I didn't expect her to know what it was right away, but her her mouth instantly fell open and a gentle gasp escaped her.
     She didn't speak, but she bit down on her lip. I thought I might see more tears from her, but she leaned over and took me in a crushing hug. I thought I should be sad, but for some reason, I felt good. I even smiled a little.
     "Thank you, Abel," Nina breathed.
     I knew I must have made her very happy. I was too drunk to think of exactly why that was, but it made sense. When Nina pulled away from me, she crawled across her bed to her pillow. She put Rafael's earring underneath. She hesitated there before she pulled something else out from the same spot. It looked like a small book. She scurried back over to my side and sat again.
     "This is what I wanted to show you," she told me as she slid the book onto my lap.
     "This? Its Romeo and Juliet," I muttered. "Raff was reading this before he died."
     "Dante found it in the back of his car and gave it to me. Raff was reading it for months," she laughed. "He picked it because I told him it was my favorite love story... Read it."
     "I've already read it," I told her. "I mean... When I was in school I read it at least twice. Its A really good book"
     "Not the book... In the back. Read it."
     I didn't know what she was talking about. I fumbled the book clumsily in my hands. I turned it and opened the back cover, feeling the old paper under my fingertips. It even smelled like an old book. Rafael must have held it a long time. It smelled like him just as much.
     I squinted and blinked as I seen something writen on the last page- in the margine after the first paragraph- but most of the hand-written text was spilling over to the back cover. The writing was big and sloppy and, through my blurred and quaking vision, I could just barely make it out. His handwriting had improved since I remembered seeing it last, but I felt a jump in my stomach as I realized it was Rafael's words on the yellowed pages.
    'NINA,' It started in huge letters, 'I don't know if you'll ever get this. I don't even know if you'll need to. Maybe this story isn't a tragedy. From what I've read in books, I have a feeling it will be. That's why I'm writing this for you. Just in case I don't come home.
    I already felt a wrenching in my stomach. It was as if all of the alcohol inside of me had suddenly turning into cement. Rafael knew he was going to die. He must have written his letter to Nina right under my nose...  I did my best to keep reading.
   'I know you're probably so mad at me for leaving. I wish I could have stayed with you for longer. You have no idea how much you meant to me. I could never put it into words. Maybe if I had learned to write better I could have, or if I knew as many words as Sterling or Dante, but I'm not them. You loved me anyway, Nina. You made me happy.
     'If I could have hundreds and hundreds more years with you, I would. But you know I can't do that. If I were better a better person, maybe. Or even if I was a better man. The truth is, Nina, I'll never be the person I wish I could be. I'll never be the person I wish I was for you and our family, and for the family we'll have in the future.
     'I love you, Nina. I know you'll be fine, even if it hurts right now. Please, watch over Abel for me. He's a strong kid, but he feels too much sometimes. Take care of the babies, too. I know they'll love each other. Its okay. I don't think I would make a good Dad.
    I love you, Nina. I love you so much. Please don't let it hurt when you remember me because, if that happened, then I would have to ask you to forget me. Be happy, Nina, and please don't forget me. I love you.'
     "That was beautiful," I muttered to my self, trying my best to choke back my sadness.
     "It was, wasn't it..." Nina mused longingly.
     I looked up at her and tried to smile, but it was too hard. All I could think about was how difficult it must have been for Rafael to write that.
     "Raff said something about being a Dad... You two... wanted to have kids?" I asked.
     Somewhere deep down inside, I was hoping she would say no. It would be too heart breaking to know they had wanted a family of their own...
     "No," Nina said quietly. "We never talked about it."
     I was relieved. Nina just stared at me, though. She let out a shaky breath and looked towards the floor. When she didn't say anything, I looked back down to Raff's letter, re-reading the pieces my eyes caught with a new nervousness in me. As I did, I couldn't help taking a sharp breath and my eyes flickered back up to meet Nina's.
    "Nina," I breathed, her name alone seeming to use up all my breath, "Are you... Pregnant?"
    "I didn't think he knew," she said. "I never told him."
    A knock on Nina's door made me stumble to my feet. I looked up as Sterling came in, still smiling.
    "Dinner is almost ready," he said happily. "Abel, are you sure you won't be eating?"
    "Not now, Sterling," Nina hissed, making his smile fall.
    "No-No, its fine," I stammered. "I need to go... I have to go home." I walked out of the room, my walk so off I didn't bother hiding it.
    "Let me help you," Sterling offered quickly, taking me by the arm. "You must have had a little too much to drink. Not used to-"
    "Abel, wait," Nina said, but she didn't follow.
    "I'll be back, Nina," I told her. I looked at her and there was a pleading in her face. "I just... I don't know, Nina. I'll be back. Later... Or tomorrow... I just..." I couldn't help walking out after that.
    My mind was swimming as Sterling helped me down the stairs and towards the door. He was still asking me to stay and eat, but I had drowned out his voice. The only thing I could hear was my own blood rushing through my ears.
     "Are you feeling alright?" Sterling asked just as he went to let me out.
      I couldn't speak to him. I just nodded too many times and left the best I could. I knew that Sterling was still watching me as I just barely managed to make it down those final porch steps. I think he was debating whether to walk me all the way home. He must have thought I would be alight because, after I had blundered my way half way to my house, I still wasn't being followed.
     I heard Elliot's laugh echo over the field. For some reason, I thought he was laughing at me, but then I realized he couldn't see me. He was somewhere behind the house. Instead of going inside our house, I started towards his quiet talking like a moth drawn to light. It didn't take me long to find him.
     He was sitting in the back field, he and Jude playing in the long shadow of our house and out of the bright sun. I sighed and leaned against the cool brick of the house. I watched Judas run and fall into Elliot's arms, his baby laugh making a warm shiver run through me. The heat from that shiver never went away. It was only a second later before Elliot noticed me, but the wide smile that was on his face fadded as he did.
     "Are you okay?" he asked as he put Judas off to one side.
     I pushed away from the wall, but only took one step forward before I stumbled. My hand fell against the window and left a sweaty streak over the glass. Elliot jumped up and came to me.
     "Nina is pregnant," I blurted out with a gasp.
     "That's... That's wonderful news," Elliot said brethlessly, his smile returning despite how composed he was trying to be.
     "Wonderful news? How is that wonderful news! Elliot... T-this is terrible!"
     "Abel, how much have you been drinking?" Elliot tried to grab my face, but I swiped his hand away.
     "What is Nina going to do with a baby without Raff? The kid isn't going to have a Dad! He's not going to know how great his father is! This... This is aweful!" I could hear the slur and stammer in my voice.
     "You need to lay down," Elliot said as he tried to take my arm.
     Again, I pushed him away and walked past him. I felt my stomach gurgle and heat flush over my body. I knew what was coming and tried to hold it back, but it was too late; I threw up everywhere. I didn't even have anything in me to throw up but alcohol. It made my throat and mouth burn and, even after there was nothing left in me, my body was still trying to vomit. I leaned against the glass windows of the house, dry heaving and trying to catch my breath.
    "Abel, you need to calm down now," Elliot told me as his hands fell on my back.
     I don't know why, but just his touch upset me. I felt sad and angry and afraid all in the same second. I reached around and grabbed him, flinging him against the metal frame of the windows.
    He gasped as the wind fell from him, sliding down to the ground slolwy as he tried to breath. My eyes flickered past him and through the window. Dante was there. He was sitting stiffly on the couch inside, both he and Addie watching me. He rose as soon as I made eye contact.
    "Shit," I coughed, knowing he would be outside any second.
    It felt like my blood was slowly turning into fire and my skin seemed to crawl over my bones. I rub my hands over my arms, trying to shake the feeling, but it wouldn't go away.
    I stumbled back, forgetting about my weak leg and falling over. I didn't even feel it when I hit the ground. When I looked up, Elliot was still leaning breathlessly against the house. Judas was by his side now. Elliot pulled the baby into his chest, holding him tightly there. Just as he did that, I felt a burning rip through my brain; a pain so intense that I had to grip my skull. I doubled over so far that my head touched the ground.
    All the sounds of the world went silent to me, and all I could hear was my blood rushing and pulsing behind my ears. I managed to force my eyes open and look at Elliot. My vision was completely blurred. More than blurred. Sourounding everything I could there was a redness; a seeping blur like clotting blood crawing across my eyes. I tried to focus, but soon the image of Elliot clutching Judas was eaten away by the marron consuming my vision. I felt a final flush of heat run through my body before everything was gone.